Golden Rule 2 – Practice non-judgement!
Respect and non-judgement is something I think most of us like to feel that we have, particularly for those we love. However without practicing Golden Rule 1 – Understanding that we all have a different view of the world – it is impossible to truelly practice non-judgement. Be honest, how many arguments/battles of wills/broken relationships have you experienced over the years that,when it comes to it, are about someone not sharing your views or opinions or way of living?
If we really do inherently understand that all of us have a unique view of the world and that our view is governed by our experiences of life and the beliefs that we’ve set up around those experiences, then who are we to judge whether ours is the ‘correct’ view?
All our behaviors and actions and reactions come from our beliefs eg if I believe that all disagreements result in violence and aggression and that means I will get hurt, then all my behavior will be driven by the need to avoid disagreements. I may choose to simply agree with whatever is being said even though deep down I hold a different opinion, or I may choose to meet any potential disagreement with aggression & violence myself in an attempt to ‘take the advantage’ and end any ‘battle’ before it’s even begun.
If we understand why someone we love behaves in a certain way or says certain things – we can choose to stop judging it right or wrong, good or bad, comparing it to our own. This does not mean that we have to agree with it or condone it, but it is easier not to attach a critical and emotionally charged meaning to it. We are all simply reacting or behaving in a way that best protects us, it’s actually got little to do with you personally, so then you can acknowledge that and state your own needs without feeling the need to prove that they are ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. Understanding this starts to take a lot of the emotion out of exchanges in relationships. One of the side effects of removing judgement from our understanding of others actions is that we are also less likely to keep the judgement ‘alive’ by talking to others about it – why would we do that when we are no londger seeking the validation of others to support our own position of judgment?
The first person you can practice this non-judgement on, is yourself! Try and take a step outside of yourself and think ‘why do I think that?’, ‘what is my behavior’ ultimately doing for me?’, ‘How is it protecting me or making me feel safe?’ It’s highly likely that any behavior is part of a long standing pattern that your sub-conscious put in place as a child, to try to protect you from painful or uncomfortable feelings or provide you with comfort or support that were not being provided by those who cared for you. We try not to judge the behavior & actions of children, so why do we judge ourselves when all we were originally doing was trying to protect ourselves? Remember that none of us came into this world with the deliberate intention of hurting others – we simply learn and adopt certain behaviors in order to survive the best way that we can.
Listening to that voice inside you that regularly tells you that what you said was ‘stupid’ or ’embarrassing’ etc, means that you are judging rather than understanding your own behavior. Much of the time, understanding why we are triggered by certain things can mean that, if we want to, we can change it or at least recognise it for what it really is, and stop beating ourselves up for it & living in a state of a kind of perpetual self-loathing!
If you reach a stage where you feel stuck in a kind of knee-jerk response to specific triggers and it’s stopping you from doing things or making you feel crap about yourself, then you can change it with my help. It’s all just coding and can be ‘re-coded’ so you simply don’t have those feelings triggered any more. I have found that working with both partners in relationships that appear to be going around and around in circles with neither party feeling respected or heard or ultimately loved, can transform how they relate to one another. Actually working with one person usually means that the behavior of the other partner alters as well – there’s a kind of ripple effect – it’s hard to argue or rage against someone who isn’t interested in joining in! It doesn’t always mean that partnerships are restored and revived, but it always means that they will relate and communicate with each other with more respect and non-judgement, whatever the long term outcome.
Incidentally practicing non-judgement of others does not mean abandoning any form of making judgments – we need to make judgements constantly in order to make choices eg what foods to buy & eat, what clothes are appropriate etc. We need this skill in order to survive – we weigh up the pluses and minuses of any situation and make the best decision we can. Making a judgement is not the same as being judgemental.
Nb. The ‘5 Golden Rules’ are a collection of concepts put together by Moira Geary ‘The Recombobulator’, My Mentor and Creator of QTT Personal development Methods. Please find links to the rest of this Blog series below:-
Golden Rules series:-
- https://rebecca-atkinson.com/5-golden-rules-to-create-your-golden-life-rule-1/
- https://rebecca-atkinson.com/golden-rule-2-practice-non-judgement/
- https://rebecca-atkinson.com/golden-rule-3-change-your-view-not-the-world/
- https://rebecca-atkinson.com/golden-rule-4-there-is-a-positive-intention-behind-all-behavior/
- https://rebecca-atkinson.com/golden-rule-5-everything-we-need-is-already-within-us/