Our 4th Behavioural code – Unconditional Love for ourselves & others.

This is the 4th Blog in my series exploring our ‘7 Behavioural Codes’ – the primal, human needs we are all seeking to feel rich in and that we need to feel are in balance with each other. Understanding these codes helps us to get clarity over what may be driving our behaviours – the ones we like and the ones we don’t like so much. These patterns of behaviour are often set up from a young age and unless we can understand what’s driving them, ask whether they are helping us or hindering us, we will find them difficult habits to break.

Our 4th Code is all about our deep need for unconditional Love, to give it and to receive it. If we feel that we are not fulfilled in this vital area, then all our behaviour will be about seeking to feel more love. Unsurprisingly we tend to feel this code & any effects of a lack of it in our chests, heart & lung area. I see this deep need to feel Love as having 3 equally important componants:-

  1.  To feel that we are the recipients of unconditional Love from others.

Unfortunately there are all too many examples of obviously tragic scenarios where Children who experience Trauma or Abuse may set up patterns of behaviour based on their feelings of a lack of love at a core level. They may be incredibly needy or clingy, crying easily & needing lots of attention or they may be ‘addicted’ to negative attention, having learnt that by being angry, rebellious or destructive is what gets them attention, even if it’s negative, it’s better than no attention. If the ‘driver’ of this choice of behaviour is not addressed then it or something similar will continue into adulthood. The ‘behaviour’ may become less obvious or more anti-social, however it is still being driven by the same need.

When we feel loved, nurtured & cared for unconditionally, we feel fabulous & our hormonal system is triggered to help us feel relaxed, calm, peaceful & ‘blissed out’. Feeling fulfilled in this code ensures that we have strong roots that hold us & support us in challenging situations as well as day to day. Most of us have experienced this or recognise it to be true, however very many of us equate this as being the responsibility of others to provide us with, rather than ourselves. What then follows are patterns of behaviour around equating feeling loved and cared for by others & bereft or ‘less than’ if those others ‘fail’ or are absent. There is a dependence on others or on external actions to provide what is fundamentally missing.

2. To feel that we can give Love unconditionally to others.

When we Love utterly & deeply, we love ‘warts & all’, we accept someone or something no matter what. The easiest examples of this beautiful ability to love unconditionally are often when we think of babies or very young children. When they are young it’s easy to accept anything & it doesn’t diminish our love in any way. Some people feel the same about animals or even Nature, there’s no ‘good’ or ‘bad’, it just ‘is’! When we think of other adults or even children as they get older we start to place our own values or expectations upon them & although we love them, it’s no longer unconditional – this isn’t conscious, remember we are all being ‘driven’ by our own needs to fulfill codes! So our relationships with others can be driven by need rather than unconditional love – we need them to be a certain way or dress a certain way or speak in a certain way or do a particular type of job or even show that they love us in a certain type of way. What follows is a kind of merry-go-round of disappointment or sense of betrayal or anger when the other person is unable to match up to our ‘conditions’ & ultimately none of this makes us able to either give or receive Love. It’s why when I need to get my Clients really connected with a deep sense of unconditional love so that they can plug in to their hearts & actually switch on the ‘feel good’ hormones like Dopamine & Serotonin, I ask them to think of small children, pets, a ‘happy place’ or event rather than an adult relationship that may come with conditions attached.

3. To feel that we can receive and give Love unconditionally to ourselves

An equally important component of this code is the ability to feel self-love, to be able to understand what we need to feel loved and cared for, to put practices and actions in place to ensure that we are not dependent on others. If we are able to do that then any potential relationships become more about choices than dependency. They become driven by mutual pleasure, interests, respect & Love rather than Need or fear of ‘not having’. They enrich and deepen whatever is there already & ensure that we can take care of ourselves & manage or self-regulate our feelings, our physiology & our whole way of being in the world. Anything else is actually made more valuable & special because it’s ‘icing on the cake’!

Creating lots of opportunities to give love unconditionally eg helping others without expecting anything in return, or receiving from others & feeling truly thankful, without the need to give back and practicing self-care daily will help to keep this code regulated. Sometimes this is not easy and you may feel the need to have support or guidance in returning to the balance you deserve & that’s where working with me using QTT Personal Development methods and/or Homeopathy come in. If this is you, please get in touch.