Our 3rd Behaviourial code® – Importance, Relevence, Identity, Raised Self-esteem.
This is the third in my 7 part series where I invite you to think about the basic (& complex) primal, human feelings or codes that we all have as part of our healthy whole. Understanding how & when we are able to fulfill these codes – whether we can do this in a healthy or disfunctional way – can give us insight into what is driving our behaviour as well as better understanding of what may be driving the behavior of others. When we do this we can be more understanding & less judgemental of the people whose behavior is affecting us. Seperating behavior from the person means, ironically less general seperation & division and God knows we’ve experienced enough of that in Life! To read the series in order, start from my Blog on the first code
Our third code which corresponds approximately to the traditional concept around the Solar Plexus Chakra, is in the area where the ribs meet at the top of the tummy. This code is all about our own sense of self significance, self-importance, identity, relevance & self-esteem. When this inate sense is damaged or lacking, all our behaviour will be driven by the need to achieve that sense. As with all the other codes, our choice of action or behavior will depend on our experiences & the meaning or feelings we have attached to them, as well as learnings from observing anyone significant in our formative years. Some people may choose to be continuously doing good works & helping others in order to feel significant, needed and important. Whilst others may choose to bully, dominate, boss others in order to make them feel small and therefore create the feeling that they are important & strong.
Although on the surface we may be tempted to be judgmental about one type of behaviour and not the other, in actual fact they are being driven by the same thing! I would also add that neither behaviour offers a permanent and lasting solution until the feeling of lack has been addressed. This is why it’s important to understand what drives the behaviour in order to either feel better about it or change it. There are many approaches to ‘anti-social’ patterns of behaviour that appear to be successful for a while largely because they show the person that the actual behaviour is unacceptable or damaging etc and the person learns how to manage their actions better. However if they still feel a basic lack of self-significance or self-importance or identity, they will merely substitute one behaviour pattern for another, often without actually feeling much better about it deep down. This is why many addictions are merely swapped for less obviously damaging choices, however the driver of the addicts actions remains in place and the deep feelings of lack still present.
We need to feel significant, important, heard, seen, and well regarded by ourselves first and foremost, before we can feel it deeply from others. In fact we may repeatedly hear accolades from others without believing it to be true. Many of us live with that little inner voice telling us that ‘ if they only saw the real me..….’ or even ‘well they can’t be very discerning if they can’t see how insignificant/irrelevant/untalented etc etc I really am……’.
I am making a distinction here between a need to feel significant and feeling significant regardless of any outside influence or feedback. We have very little or no control over what others feel or how they view the world or how they view us, and we always have control or choice over what we feel inside, about firstly ourselves and secondly others. If we do not feel a sense of self-worth & identity, it doesn’t matter how many times others tell us we are fabulous, we will not feel it.
Many people that I work with who are struggling with feelings of low self worth get stuck in their relationships because they are constantly seeking self-validation from their partners or children or friends or their jobs. The first work we do is to turn their attention inwards, to start small daily practices that help to start turning this around. Mindfulness, practicing gratitude, practicing small celebratory rituals around self achievements, even practicing looking in the mirror all can loosen up long held views of ourselves. Using QTT® Personal Development methods and Homeopathy we can reach deep into the roots of low self-worth, recognise where it came from, re-evaluate it and either let it go or minimise it’s power over our behaviour. Many relationships that seemed ready to end have been re-ignited with this kind of work, as well as some Clients whose current partnerships may still end, however they leave our work together knowing that they will be far better able for a more mutually beneficial and equal relationship next time. Without this work we just continue to repeat the same patterns, because we are still trying to feel that we matter.
A good place to start can be noticing – without judging:-
- any patterns you may have around feeling significant or insignificant, noticed or not noticed, receiving praise or not receiving praise.
- What do you think drives you to any acts of generosity? Are you OK with giving to others without needing anything in return?
- Can you look at yourself in the mirror for longer than the time it takes to check that everything is tucked in or there’s no spinach in your teeth?
- Can you start journalling all the achievements you have each day, however small they may seem, even if it’s ‘I made it!’ or ‘I got out of bed & I made the bed’? We tend not to look back at our own achievements unless they are really big or externally recognised, but choosing to be kind to ourselves or others, choosing to eat something healthy, or just showing up every day as a parent or employee are all the results of making choices. Noticing them helps us to feel we have done something positive and induces hits of Dopamine – the feel good hormone. The more we can do this the better we feel about ourselves – it’s why High Achievers can get hooked on never being satisfied without some kind of major accomplishment – they are still seeking that feeling of significance not as a transitory event but a permanent state.
When we come across people who truely feel a strong sense of identity and self-worth, they shine,they are a pleasure to be with, their sense of self-value is calming and reassuring, they are not dependent on you or I to validate them. They do not need to boast or brag, they are steady in their knowledge that they do not need to do anything to know that they are valuable. If more of us felt this, there would be far fewer conflicts, attention seeking behaviours and relationship breakdowns. I would encourage everyone to take stock of this code and commit to ensuring that you reach a place where you know from your head to your toes just how awesome you really are!